There was a time in my youth ministry days where I experimented a bit with doing a youth worship service. This meant getting people to help with different aspects of the service. One of the key ingredients was music. I wanted to have someone leading worship. I had a couple guys who were willing to lead this aspect of the project and rotate the responsibilities. The only problem for me was that I too am a musician, singer, and worship leader. The two guys who were wiling to serve were considerably younger and lot less experienced than I, and whether it was true or not, I always felt like I was better at it than them. There were moments when I felt like they weren’t capable of doing what I was trying to accomplish. I yielded those feelings and didn’t step in, but there was such a huge desire in me to just push them out of the way and take over. I felt like I was the only one who was able to do what needed to be done.
Whether we are talking about a volunteer leader, or someone who is on paid ministry staff, if your ministry leader believes they are the only one capable of doing _____, it will destroy them. Pride sneaks in in one of two ways…
Pride can give them an ego complex. This brand of pride leads them to a lower view of others. They begin to think that they are the greatest gift of God to ministry since Paul. Ok, maybe that is a little extreme, but they can begin to think that they are better than the rest of the people who are associated with their ministry. And they are certainly likely to think they are above the ones they serve. You’ll notice that they start taking over. They may relieve other workers in their ministries of their jobs and responsibilities and take it on their self. And even as their stack of stuff piles up, they will revel in it because it continuously strokes their ego, makes them feel more important than they are, and builds up their perception that they truly are the only person who is capable of doing _____.
On the other hand, pride can give them a martyr complex. This brand of pride leads them to a lower view of their self. This is more of a pride in their work as opposed to pride in their self. They see their ministry as something that is so important, and believe that no one is else is capable of doing the work. This belief lead them to frustration. Their pride actually end up getting hurt because they believe if other people cared, they would make their selves able to do what is needed. In other words, other people are not capable because they don’t care enough to become capable. As a result they end up a workaholic out of their obligation to the ministry (as opposed to their personal pride.) They may start to assume others don’t value the ministry, and wile on one hand they work to death for its success, on the other hand they begin to question the value of the work altogether. They spin out into a “woe is me” depression.
So how do we challenge this belief? This one is a little harder to intervene in because a lot of the problem rests in what is going on inside the minister leader’s heart, but here are some ideas.
1) Help. You may not be capable of doing certain things in a person’s ministry. However, you are probably more than capable of helping. Can you find some task that you can help with? Maybe it is something that falls outside of the spectrum of that particular ministry, but is helpful to the ministry leader nonetheless. The tech savvy or the handyman are often very helpful to those in ministry. By being helpful, you are both showing that you are capable of doing something, and helping them to recognize that maybe they do have shortcomings. It helps to keep that pride in check.
2) Learn. If there is a ministry that you are passionate about, but the leader is actually very correct in pointing out that you don’t have the skills or talents needed, then learn. Go to workshops, find information on the internet. But make that effort to learn. This will show that the ministry is important enough to you that you want to be capable of helping. Unless your ministry leader is completely wrapped up in his ego, he should be able to point you in the right direction in regards to learning.
3) Do Something. Just get involved. Don’t wait to be asked. Make yourself known and get your hands dirty. It is easy to get stuck waiting to be asked to help, but if our ministry leader already feels like he is the only one capable of _____, then he is not going to look for help.
Now, let’s be fair to us. If your ministry leader is enveloped in this level of pride (in either direction mentioned above) the root of the problem is most likely in their own heart. So on top of trying to get involved by helping, learning, and doing, we ought to really spend time praying for them; asking God to bring them to a place where they are confronted with the problems of their heart and leading them to a better place. The scriptures are littered with passages warning us about pride. We are told that pride comes before destruction (Proverbs 16:18.) We are also shown that pride is the reason Satan himself fell from the heavens (Ezekiel 28:12-18.) Pride is a bad thing. It is the sin above all sins because it leads to other sin. Any other sin one commits can be traced to personal pride.
Leading a ministry already subjects one to struggles with pride because the work is generally considered important by many, but if your ministry leader believes they are the only capable of doing _____, it will destroy them.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Monday, April 23, 2012
Beliefs That Will Destroy Your Minister, Pastor, or Ministry Leader: I’m the Only One in the Church Who Cares About ________.
You can quite literally fill that blank with almost anything.
There was a moment in my youth ministry days that left me a bit puzzled. I received a call from a woman in our church who wanted to come in and talk to me about some concerns she was having with her daughter. I didn’t know the woman. I had never met her (or her daughter for that matter) before. After I got off the phone with her I checked in with our senior minister to see if he knew who this woman was. He informed me that she was an on and off attender and that he had not seen her around in a long time. Of course, I told her I would be happy to meet with her and see if I could offer any sort of help or encouragement. The time came for us to get together. This concerned mother arrived with her daughter. The three of us then sat down and chatted. Well… not really. Honestly, the mother talked, I listened and the daughter sat in silence, drifting off into her own little world. It was a bit awkward as this mother essentially sat down with me to list out complaint after complaint about her daughter while the child was sitting there with us. Her daughter was falling in with a bad crowd, being promiscuous, getting in trouble at school, and growing more and more disrespectful at home. After she exhausted her list of concerns we fell into a discussion about what our youth program had to offer. I explained the value of being involved in regular Bible study and fellowship with other Christians her daughter’s age. She didn’t seem interested at all, and her daughter was completely checked out. She wasn’t interested either. I also offered to meet with them regularly to help them sort through what was going on in their family. Again, there was no interest. I’m not sure what she was expecting from me. Was I supposed to give her a magical piece of advice? Was I supposed to snap my fingers and make things all better? I was a youth minister, not a magician. What solution was she expecting? Anyhow, the awkwardness of this encounter reached its pinnacle at the end of our meeting. After talking up our youth program and offering counseling, I ended our time together with an offer to pray for them. The mother kindly rejected my offer. Like I said, I was puzzled. But even more so, I was frustrated. I felt like I cared more about this woman’s daughter and family than she did! Of course, to be fair, I can in no way say that was true, but it was the feeling I had, and whether they are true or not, the things we feel and believe dictate our behavior.
At one point or another every single one of us has felt like we care more about ________ than other people do. It’s frustrating. We have all been on both sides of this as well. Sometimes we are the one who is concerned, and other times we are the center of someone else’s concern. Ministry leaders tend to be more vulnerable to this frustration because their is a sense (accurate or not) that their work is important. Their work is needed for the church and for the community. After all...
The preacher is sharing the message of Salvation in Christ.
The Sunday school teacher is helping children build roots in the scriptures.
The benevolence team is seeing that people have their most basic human needs met.
The grounds team is making sure the church property is attractive to the community.
________.
________.
________.
etc.
The list of ministries goes on and on. but they are usually present because someone thinks they are important. Sometimes they are brainstorms by the ministry leader, and other times the ministry leader is commissioned to work. Regardless of the ministry’s origin, the leader generally attaches to it because they care about the cause.
That care leads to passion.
That passion leads to work.
That work usually leads to more work.
More work leads to being tired.
Most ministry leaders will continue to joyfully work as long as they believe what they are doing is benefitting the church, the community, or those involved in the ministry. However, the minute they believe that no one else cares about ________, they will burn out or quit.
So how do we challenge this belief?
1) Participate in their ministry. There is no better way to show someone you appreciate the ministry they are leading than by participating in it. This could mean working alongside them, or letting them serve you. When people participate, the ministry leader sees their work as valid and will want to continue. When no one participates, they ministry leader will soon stop participating as well.
2) Share what their ministry is doing. Maybe what they do really isn’t something you can participate in. You may not have the skills, time, resources, etc. to participate. However, you can still share the good they are doing with others. This can help build a good reputation for the ministry. If the ministry’s reputation is built up, others who are able to participate will get involved and the ministry leader will be encouraged.
3) Encourage the ministry leader directly. Even if you are not involved in the ministry at all, and don’t even know what to say to others about it, when you see the leader, tell them you appreciate the job they are doing. You don’t have to be a participant or a beneficiary of someone’s ministry to recognize it as a good thing. Next time you see that person who visits the nursing home to encourage the residents, pull them aside and tell them how great you think it is that they are willing to meet that need. Receiving such encouragement could be the thing that helps the ministry leader stick it out for the long haul.
Now of course there is merit in discussing whether we should encourage the continuation of every ministry under the sun. Sometimes there is a reason no one else cares. Sometimes the ministry leaders have ulterior motives and shouldn’t be leading at all. But that is not the focus of this post. We want to consider how we encourage those who are serving.
If your minister, pastor, or ministry leader believes that they are the only person in the church who cares about _______, it will destroy them.
There was a moment in my youth ministry days that left me a bit puzzled. I received a call from a woman in our church who wanted to come in and talk to me about some concerns she was having with her daughter. I didn’t know the woman. I had never met her (or her daughter for that matter) before. After I got off the phone with her I checked in with our senior minister to see if he knew who this woman was. He informed me that she was an on and off attender and that he had not seen her around in a long time. Of course, I told her I would be happy to meet with her and see if I could offer any sort of help or encouragement. The time came for us to get together. This concerned mother arrived with her daughter. The three of us then sat down and chatted. Well… not really. Honestly, the mother talked, I listened and the daughter sat in silence, drifting off into her own little world. It was a bit awkward as this mother essentially sat down with me to list out complaint after complaint about her daughter while the child was sitting there with us. Her daughter was falling in with a bad crowd, being promiscuous, getting in trouble at school, and growing more and more disrespectful at home. After she exhausted her list of concerns we fell into a discussion about what our youth program had to offer. I explained the value of being involved in regular Bible study and fellowship with other Christians her daughter’s age. She didn’t seem interested at all, and her daughter was completely checked out. She wasn’t interested either. I also offered to meet with them regularly to help them sort through what was going on in their family. Again, there was no interest. I’m not sure what she was expecting from me. Was I supposed to give her a magical piece of advice? Was I supposed to snap my fingers and make things all better? I was a youth minister, not a magician. What solution was she expecting? Anyhow, the awkwardness of this encounter reached its pinnacle at the end of our meeting. After talking up our youth program and offering counseling, I ended our time together with an offer to pray for them. The mother kindly rejected my offer. Like I said, I was puzzled. But even more so, I was frustrated. I felt like I cared more about this woman’s daughter and family than she did! Of course, to be fair, I can in no way say that was true, but it was the feeling I had, and whether they are true or not, the things we feel and believe dictate our behavior.
At one point or another every single one of us has felt like we care more about ________ than other people do. It’s frustrating. We have all been on both sides of this as well. Sometimes we are the one who is concerned, and other times we are the center of someone else’s concern. Ministry leaders tend to be more vulnerable to this frustration because their is a sense (accurate or not) that their work is important. Their work is needed for the church and for the community. After all...
The preacher is sharing the message of Salvation in Christ.
The Sunday school teacher is helping children build roots in the scriptures.
The benevolence team is seeing that people have their most basic human needs met.
The grounds team is making sure the church property is attractive to the community.
________.
________.
________.
etc.
The list of ministries goes on and on. but they are usually present because someone thinks they are important. Sometimes they are brainstorms by the ministry leader, and other times the ministry leader is commissioned to work. Regardless of the ministry’s origin, the leader generally attaches to it because they care about the cause.
That care leads to passion.
That passion leads to work.
That work usually leads to more work.
More work leads to being tired.
Most ministry leaders will continue to joyfully work as long as they believe what they are doing is benefitting the church, the community, or those involved in the ministry. However, the minute they believe that no one else cares about ________, they will burn out or quit.
So how do we challenge this belief?
1) Participate in their ministry. There is no better way to show someone you appreciate the ministry they are leading than by participating in it. This could mean working alongside them, or letting them serve you. When people participate, the ministry leader sees their work as valid and will want to continue. When no one participates, they ministry leader will soon stop participating as well.
2) Share what their ministry is doing. Maybe what they do really isn’t something you can participate in. You may not have the skills, time, resources, etc. to participate. However, you can still share the good they are doing with others. This can help build a good reputation for the ministry. If the ministry’s reputation is built up, others who are able to participate will get involved and the ministry leader will be encouraged.
3) Encourage the ministry leader directly. Even if you are not involved in the ministry at all, and don’t even know what to say to others about it, when you see the leader, tell them you appreciate the job they are doing. You don’t have to be a participant or a beneficiary of someone’s ministry to recognize it as a good thing. Next time you see that person who visits the nursing home to encourage the residents, pull them aside and tell them how great you think it is that they are willing to meet that need. Receiving such encouragement could be the thing that helps the ministry leader stick it out for the long haul.
Now of course there is merit in discussing whether we should encourage the continuation of every ministry under the sun. Sometimes there is a reason no one else cares. Sometimes the ministry leaders have ulterior motives and shouldn’t be leading at all. But that is not the focus of this post. We want to consider how we encourage those who are serving.
If your minister, pastor, or ministry leader believes that they are the only person in the church who cares about _______, it will destroy them.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Beliefs That Will Destroy Your Minister, Pastor, or Ministry Leader: No One Cares About Me Unless They Need Something.
It was a Saturday night. Late. I was at Virginia Beach taking a walk and praying (that is my spot.) My heart was heavy and my future was unclear. The following morning I was going to be addressing the congregation where I served as youth minister, informing them that I was going to be leaving the church to finish my Master’s degree and pursue a career in counseling. The months leading up to that decision and transition were some of the most stressful I had endured up to that point in my life. My hope was that by spending time at the beach, praying, walking, and thinking that I would find some peace. It started getting late. I really had no concern for how late I stayed out, but when one o’clock in the morning approached, my phone buzzed. Yes, I probably should have left it in the car, but I didn’t and it buzzed. A student in my ministry that I probably hadn’t seen for over a year texted me, informed me that she didn’t know what to do, who to talk to, but that she wanted to end her life. For the next hour or so I put my burdens on hold and talked her through her crisis. However, I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bitter. I began thinking things along the lines of “You haven’t been around for a year, and of all the times to reach out you pick when I am in the middle of my own crisis! If you had any idea what was going on in my life you would not be bothering me right now.” Anyone who has served in ministry can likely share a similar story.
Most men and women who get into ministry, be it vocationally or voluntarily, do so because they have a heart for people. They love people, want to help and guide people, and they believe that pointing them to Jesus through whatever means they are able is the best way to make a positive difference in their life. Sure, you have the occasional ego-maniac or manipulator with a hidden agenda, but most of them are people who love God, love people, and want to serve. However, doing ministry, even if a paycheck is attached, is burdensome at times. It involves putting other people first, putting their needs ahead of one’s own. There is no 9-5 in paid ministry, and their is often and additional 9-5 in volunteer ministry. As a result, the time ministry leaders spend is often abundant and spontaneous. Most paid ministers don’t get paid half of what they are worth, and volunteer ministers don’t get paid any of what they are worth. However, paid or volunteer, they generally serve with little complaint. They got in to ministry because they have a heart for people, not a heart for money. However they have lives too…
--They have marriages and kids.
--They have problems and their kids have problems.
--They struggle with temptation and sin.
--They struggle with finances and debt.
--They struggle with sickness and injury.
--They experience seasons of depression and anxiety.
--They have a past of their own and grew up with their own issues and insecurities.
--They don’t have life completely figured out.
--They need to be cared for too.
Seriously… they need to be cared for too.
When you look at that list you can probably assume that any given item, combination of items, or items that I neglected to put on the list are going on in your ministry leader’s life. All the while they are receiving phone calls, answering emails, replying to text message, having meetings, and entertaining office visits from people that are in need. This is on top of the day to day business of the church office; research and preparing for sermons or lessons, organizing volunteers for this or that; planning the upcoming events for the ministry. In the course of serving their ministry, or tending to their flock, it can be easy for a ministry leader to be convinced that no one cares about them unless they need something. If they believe this, it will destroy them.
So how do we challenge this belief?
1) Build genuine relationships with them. Did you know that it is ok to have a cup of coffee with your ministry leader just so you can hang out? You don’t even have to talk about one problem or concern. You can talk about sports, hobbies, or even Justin Bieber if that’s your thing. Invite them and their family over or out for dinner. Let your home be a place where they can take their shoes off, kick back, watch the big game and leave their role as ministry leader at the door. Ministry leaders need genuine friendship just as much as anyone else, and there really is no good reason why they can’t find it in their church. Now I know that not everyone is going to be best friend’s with the ministry leader, and that’s ok. But it might be worth giving a shot, right?
2) Offer to help them. This overflows from building genuine relationships as most people in good relationships tend to look out for each other. Often when we think of helping ministry leaders, we think of doing so in the context of their ministry. Let’s help the preacher organize the summer outreach program. Let’s help our ministry leader with some of the behind the scenes work, or organization that needs to be done. This is good. Please do this. But also, be a help in their personal life. If their kids are sick, offer to help take care of them. If they are married, offer to watch their kids so they can go out on a date. If you have a youth minister who is gone with students for weeks over the summer (which is common) see if you can help his wife with some of the yard work. The ideas and needs are endless. Be a practical help to them, and do it with no strings attached.
3) Show your gratitude for them. Even if you end up not being able to develop a deeper relationship with them (like I said, not everyone is going to be best friends) make sure to thank them. Thank them in and out of season. Thank them immediately after they have done something that warrants thanks, but also thank them when they least expect it. Send them a card to brighten their day, tell them you appreciate the work they do. You can do this even if their ministry does not directly impact you. If a ministry leader feels appreciated, they are much less likely to given in to the belief that no one cares about them.
Am I telling us to stop going to our ministry leaders when we need help? No. That is why they serve. They really do love to help. What I am saying is that we should make the relationship broader than that; that every moment we spend with them doesn’t need to revolve around our own drama and need. Let us build genuine, helpful relationships that are seasoned with thanksgiving. It can literally change the way your ministry leader sees his ministry and his life.
Let me add here that there is certainly a responsibility on the part of every ministry leader to take care of their own lives, develop healthy relationships, friendships, and nurture their own well being. However, we are constantly reminded throughout the New Testament that we should all look out for the well being of each other. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 tells us to “…encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” with the assumption that we are already doing it. It is common sense. This includes us looking out for the well being of our ministry leaders just as much as it means them looking out for ours. Let us not act in a way that discourages our ministry leaders.
If your minister, pastor, or ministry leader believes that no one cares about them unless they need something, it will destroy them.
Most men and women who get into ministry, be it vocationally or voluntarily, do so because they have a heart for people. They love people, want to help and guide people, and they believe that pointing them to Jesus through whatever means they are able is the best way to make a positive difference in their life. Sure, you have the occasional ego-maniac or manipulator with a hidden agenda, but most of them are people who love God, love people, and want to serve. However, doing ministry, even if a paycheck is attached, is burdensome at times. It involves putting other people first, putting their needs ahead of one’s own. There is no 9-5 in paid ministry, and their is often and additional 9-5 in volunteer ministry. As a result, the time ministry leaders spend is often abundant and spontaneous. Most paid ministers don’t get paid half of what they are worth, and volunteer ministers don’t get paid any of what they are worth. However, paid or volunteer, they generally serve with little complaint. They got in to ministry because they have a heart for people, not a heart for money. However they have lives too…
--They have marriages and kids.
--They have problems and their kids have problems.
--They struggle with temptation and sin.
--They struggle with finances and debt.
--They struggle with sickness and injury.
--They experience seasons of depression and anxiety.
--They have a past of their own and grew up with their own issues and insecurities.
--They don’t have life completely figured out.
--They need to be cared for too.
Seriously… they need to be cared for too.
When you look at that list you can probably assume that any given item, combination of items, or items that I neglected to put on the list are going on in your ministry leader’s life. All the while they are receiving phone calls, answering emails, replying to text message, having meetings, and entertaining office visits from people that are in need. This is on top of the day to day business of the church office; research and preparing for sermons or lessons, organizing volunteers for this or that; planning the upcoming events for the ministry. In the course of serving their ministry, or tending to their flock, it can be easy for a ministry leader to be convinced that no one cares about them unless they need something. If they believe this, it will destroy them.
So how do we challenge this belief?
1) Build genuine relationships with them. Did you know that it is ok to have a cup of coffee with your ministry leader just so you can hang out? You don’t even have to talk about one problem or concern. You can talk about sports, hobbies, or even Justin Bieber if that’s your thing. Invite them and their family over or out for dinner. Let your home be a place where they can take their shoes off, kick back, watch the big game and leave their role as ministry leader at the door. Ministry leaders need genuine friendship just as much as anyone else, and there really is no good reason why they can’t find it in their church. Now I know that not everyone is going to be best friend’s with the ministry leader, and that’s ok. But it might be worth giving a shot, right?
2) Offer to help them. This overflows from building genuine relationships as most people in good relationships tend to look out for each other. Often when we think of helping ministry leaders, we think of doing so in the context of their ministry. Let’s help the preacher organize the summer outreach program. Let’s help our ministry leader with some of the behind the scenes work, or organization that needs to be done. This is good. Please do this. But also, be a help in their personal life. If their kids are sick, offer to help take care of them. If they are married, offer to watch their kids so they can go out on a date. If you have a youth minister who is gone with students for weeks over the summer (which is common) see if you can help his wife with some of the yard work. The ideas and needs are endless. Be a practical help to them, and do it with no strings attached.
3) Show your gratitude for them. Even if you end up not being able to develop a deeper relationship with them (like I said, not everyone is going to be best friends) make sure to thank them. Thank them in and out of season. Thank them immediately after they have done something that warrants thanks, but also thank them when they least expect it. Send them a card to brighten their day, tell them you appreciate the work they do. You can do this even if their ministry does not directly impact you. If a ministry leader feels appreciated, they are much less likely to given in to the belief that no one cares about them.
Am I telling us to stop going to our ministry leaders when we need help? No. That is why they serve. They really do love to help. What I am saying is that we should make the relationship broader than that; that every moment we spend with them doesn’t need to revolve around our own drama and need. Let us build genuine, helpful relationships that are seasoned with thanksgiving. It can literally change the way your ministry leader sees his ministry and his life.
Let me add here that there is certainly a responsibility on the part of every ministry leader to take care of their own lives, develop healthy relationships, friendships, and nurture their own well being. However, we are constantly reminded throughout the New Testament that we should all look out for the well being of each other. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 tells us to “…encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” with the assumption that we are already doing it. It is common sense. This includes us looking out for the well being of our ministry leaders just as much as it means them looking out for ours. Let us not act in a way that discourages our ministry leaders.
If your minister, pastor, or ministry leader believes that no one cares about them unless they need something, it will destroy them.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Beliefs That Will Destroy Your Minister, Pastor, or Ministry Leader: I Have To Be Perfect.
I will never forget the conversation I had with a young man who was once a student in my youth ministry. At this time he was 19 years old, dating a wonderful gal who he would later marry, and trying to figure out where his future was going. We were in my living room, talking about all kinds of things, having a meal, but before I knew it, things would be awkward…
I believe the statement that started us down the awkward path was something like “Man, I can’t control myself. Me and my girlfriend sleep together all the time and we can’t seem to stop, and whenever we try I get sucked into looking at porn.” As we talked, he poured out about how all of it was wrecking their relationship. Feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, etc. began to characterize the way they felt about one another. We discussed what the scriptures said about it, speculated on the reasoning behind the scriptures, and discussed the practical application for both of our lives. It was a very real, very practical conversation. But here’s where the awkwardness came in…
At the very beginning of the conversation everything in me wanted to reach out to him and tell him “Yes, I understand. I have battled these exact things in my life as well.” But walking right alongside that thought was “You are the youth minister at his church. If for some reason he shares this, or the wrong person finds out, you could get in trouble, and possibly lose your job.” Whether or not that was true, it was the first thing to pop into my head at the thought of sharing my burden with him. Fortunately, I did share with him. Had I not, the good, healing conversation and prayer time with him never would have happened. And thankfully to this day, we still have a close friendship. We are still able to share honestly with one another and pray with each other no matter what is going on.
But man… It is easy for people in ministry to believe that they have to be perfect.
After all, they are the ones who preach and teach the passages that list out all kinds of sins that are to be avoided. They are the ones who speak to us as an authority on how we connect to God and how we should and shouldn’t live. So when a part of their life is not in line with the scripture, they feel the need to hide it. After all, they probably just got done telling you not to do the very thing they struggle with wanting to do everyday. They want to practice what they preach, and if they are in paid ministry, they particulalry worry that having their sin struggle known by anyone could result in losing their job (and all the struggles that come with losing a job.) The very one’s who preach forgiveness, grace, and restoration to the rest of us are scared to seek the same for their own lives.
So what happens when their sin struggles go unconfessed and aren’t death with? They become secret. And when they become secret, they tend to get worse and worse until they eventually spin out of control and wreck the person. In his commentary on temptation, James reminds us that sin leads to death (James 1:15.) When a ministry leader holds on and keeps sin secret… they die. Just like the rest of us.
So how do we challenge this belief?
1) Understand that all people are sinners, including them. In Romans 3:23 Paul reminds us that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. While ministry leaders are held to high standards (James 3:1), they are still susceptible to temptation and sin. They are part of that “all” that Paul writes about. To expect your ministry leader to be sinless is to set them up for failure in your eyes.
2) Be slow to make judgments when sin is confessed or exposed. When someone else screws up, our natural tendency is to focus on it because then we don’t have to focus on our own life, our own problems, and our own sin. Jesus warned against this way of thinking (Matthew 7:3-5) encouraging us to keep our focus on ourselves. The key here is not to make a judgement of your ministry leaders worth to God because of confessed sinned. Nothing can separate them from the love of God (Romans 8:37-39) so why it should it separate them from ours? However, when we rush to judgment we just reinforce the belief that we expect our ministry leaders to be perfect.
3) Provide a safe place for them to be open about sin and struggle. Now, this is not likely to be some public place. I’m not advocating that a ministry leader go before a congregation upon every moment of sin and struggle, but there should be a safe place. Church elders, other ministers, or Christian counselors should be able to provide a safe haven for the ministry leader who struggles. James suggests to us that sharing sin struggles and praying together brings healing (James 5:16.) This is often the role we allow our ministry leaders to play for us, but shouldn’t they have it as well? To deny them a place to heal is to set them up to fail.
In all these things, please don’t misunderstand me. We don’t want to promote or allow someone to stay stuck in sin without any sort of accountability. In fact the book of Hebrews warns us that one who willingly pursues sin with his life is in a very dangerous place (Hebrews 10:26-27.) In such cases, discipline and accountability is important. But for the person who is struggling, battling, and desiring to put his sin to death, there should be grace.
If your minister, pastor, or ministry leader believes they have to be perfect, it will destroy them.
I believe the statement that started us down the awkward path was something like “Man, I can’t control myself. Me and my girlfriend sleep together all the time and we can’t seem to stop, and whenever we try I get sucked into looking at porn.” As we talked, he poured out about how all of it was wrecking their relationship. Feelings of guilt, shame, worthlessness, etc. began to characterize the way they felt about one another. We discussed what the scriptures said about it, speculated on the reasoning behind the scriptures, and discussed the practical application for both of our lives. It was a very real, very practical conversation. But here’s where the awkwardness came in…
At the very beginning of the conversation everything in me wanted to reach out to him and tell him “Yes, I understand. I have battled these exact things in my life as well.” But walking right alongside that thought was “You are the youth minister at his church. If for some reason he shares this, or the wrong person finds out, you could get in trouble, and possibly lose your job.” Whether or not that was true, it was the first thing to pop into my head at the thought of sharing my burden with him. Fortunately, I did share with him. Had I not, the good, healing conversation and prayer time with him never would have happened. And thankfully to this day, we still have a close friendship. We are still able to share honestly with one another and pray with each other no matter what is going on.
But man… It is easy for people in ministry to believe that they have to be perfect.
After all, they are the ones who preach and teach the passages that list out all kinds of sins that are to be avoided. They are the ones who speak to us as an authority on how we connect to God and how we should and shouldn’t live. So when a part of their life is not in line with the scripture, they feel the need to hide it. After all, they probably just got done telling you not to do the very thing they struggle with wanting to do everyday. They want to practice what they preach, and if they are in paid ministry, they particulalry worry that having their sin struggle known by anyone could result in losing their job (and all the struggles that come with losing a job.) The very one’s who preach forgiveness, grace, and restoration to the rest of us are scared to seek the same for their own lives.
So what happens when their sin struggles go unconfessed and aren’t death with? They become secret. And when they become secret, they tend to get worse and worse until they eventually spin out of control and wreck the person. In his commentary on temptation, James reminds us that sin leads to death (James 1:15.) When a ministry leader holds on and keeps sin secret… they die. Just like the rest of us.
So how do we challenge this belief?
1) Understand that all people are sinners, including them. In Romans 3:23 Paul reminds us that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. While ministry leaders are held to high standards (James 3:1), they are still susceptible to temptation and sin. They are part of that “all” that Paul writes about. To expect your ministry leader to be sinless is to set them up for failure in your eyes.
2) Be slow to make judgments when sin is confessed or exposed. When someone else screws up, our natural tendency is to focus on it because then we don’t have to focus on our own life, our own problems, and our own sin. Jesus warned against this way of thinking (Matthew 7:3-5) encouraging us to keep our focus on ourselves. The key here is not to make a judgement of your ministry leaders worth to God because of confessed sinned. Nothing can separate them from the love of God (Romans 8:37-39) so why it should it separate them from ours? However, when we rush to judgment we just reinforce the belief that we expect our ministry leaders to be perfect.
3) Provide a safe place for them to be open about sin and struggle. Now, this is not likely to be some public place. I’m not advocating that a ministry leader go before a congregation upon every moment of sin and struggle, but there should be a safe place. Church elders, other ministers, or Christian counselors should be able to provide a safe haven for the ministry leader who struggles. James suggests to us that sharing sin struggles and praying together brings healing (James 5:16.) This is often the role we allow our ministry leaders to play for us, but shouldn’t they have it as well? To deny them a place to heal is to set them up to fail.
In all these things, please don’t misunderstand me. We don’t want to promote or allow someone to stay stuck in sin without any sort of accountability. In fact the book of Hebrews warns us that one who willingly pursues sin with his life is in a very dangerous place (Hebrews 10:26-27.) In such cases, discipline and accountability is important. But for the person who is struggling, battling, and desiring to put his sin to death, there should be grace.
If your minister, pastor, or ministry leader believes they have to be perfect, it will destroy them.
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Beliefs That Will Destroy Your Minister, Pastor, or Ministry Leader: Introduction.
Often when a ministry leader we look up to crumbles we are taken by surprise. Things like…
“You’d think the minister, of all people, would have himself together.”
“Who’d’ve thought her marriage was about to fall apart?”
“I never expected him to get involved in something like that.”
…start to cross our minds. But how much do we really know about their lives? Depending on our involvement in church (i.e. how active we are and how often we participate in various church services and activities) we probably see this individual no more than 4 hours any given week. If we are being more realistic, we probably only see them one or two hours a week, and when we do see them it is while they are “on duty,” for lack of a better phrase. Is this the full picture of the man or woman whom you have seen fall? Not at all.
What I know is this; more often than not these burn outs don’t happen overnight. There is a long path that leads to the moment where everything finally hits the fan and then proceeds to fall apart. My aim is to examine five beliefs an individual in ministry may hold onto that can lead them towards the path of destruction. While I certainly believe that a man or woman in ministry has a high responsibility to take care of their selves (a topic I have taught on and could write about extensively) my hope here is that church leaders and congregation members alike would take a step back and see how they may be contributing to these beliefs, and learn how they can encourage their beloved ministry leaders away from them.
So here are five beliefs that will destroy your minister, pastor, or ministry leader.
1) I have to be perfect.
2) No one cares about me unless they need something.
3) I’m the only one in the church who cares about _____.
4) I’m the only one capable of doing ____.
5) I can’t rest because there is too much to do.
“You’d think the minister, of all people, would have himself together.”
“Who’d’ve thought her marriage was about to fall apart?”
“I never expected him to get involved in something like that.”
…start to cross our minds. But how much do we really know about their lives? Depending on our involvement in church (i.e. how active we are and how often we participate in various church services and activities) we probably see this individual no more than 4 hours any given week. If we are being more realistic, we probably only see them one or two hours a week, and when we do see them it is while they are “on duty,” for lack of a better phrase. Is this the full picture of the man or woman whom you have seen fall? Not at all.
What I know is this; more often than not these burn outs don’t happen overnight. There is a long path that leads to the moment where everything finally hits the fan and then proceeds to fall apart. My aim is to examine five beliefs an individual in ministry may hold onto that can lead them towards the path of destruction. While I certainly believe that a man or woman in ministry has a high responsibility to take care of their selves (a topic I have taught on and could write about extensively) my hope here is that church leaders and congregation members alike would take a step back and see how they may be contributing to these beliefs, and learn how they can encourage their beloved ministry leaders away from them.
So here are five beliefs that will destroy your minister, pastor, or ministry leader.
1) I have to be perfect.
2) No one cares about me unless they need something.
3) I’m the only one in the church who cares about _____.
4) I’m the only one capable of doing ____.
5) I can’t rest because there is too much to do.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
New Music & What Not
I have always talked about writing music. In my younger days I was in a handful of mediocre bands. But over the last year or so, I have done a bit of writing when life has afforded me some free time. When I do, I record a demo on vimeo just so I don't lose or forget the idea.
Every once and a while people ask me if I am writing and playing anymore, so here are five songs that I have written over the last year or so. Check em out. But I make no promises that they are good.
Lesson Learned
Oh My God
From Within
Hold My Hand
There Is Victory (Oh My Soul)
Every once and a while people ask me if I am writing and playing anymore, so here are five songs that I have written over the last year or so. Check em out. But I make no promises that they are good.
Lesson Learned
Oh My God
From Within
Hold My Hand
There Is Victory (Oh My Soul)
Thursday, February 9, 2012
How Can I Help?
A close friend tells you…
...that there has been tragic death in her family.
…that he and his wife are splitting up.
…that her daughter is really sick and that the doctors aren’t even sure what is going on.
…that he just lost job and doesn’t know what to do now.
…that (insert life-wrecking problem here.)
“If there is anything I can do for you, and I mean anything, please let me know!”
That is a pretty typical response we give to someone when we hear about a tragedy or rough circumstance in their life. You’ve given it. I’ve given it. And honestly, we mean well. We typically are genuinely willing to do anything. We just don’t know what to do. The problems is, when our friends and family members are caught in crisis, their heads are rarely clear enough to tell us what they need. They may not even be sure either. They just want things to be normal again. They want to feel ok again.
So here are some practical guidelines for helping people going through crisis.
1) Treat Them Normal: This is HUGE. They are already quite aware that something big is wrong in their life right now. Their normal life has been shaken. One of the biggest graces you can give them is to let them have some time to feel normal. Go grab that coffee with them like you usually would. When you spend time with them, don’t make it about their crisis. There is no need for your time spent with them to be focused on it. Proceed with life as usual. If they want to talk or vent about the crisis in their life, you can bet your money that they will bring it up when they are good and ready. Until then, keep life to business as usual.
2) Shut Up: Yes, shut up! When they do get to that point where they want to talk or vent it out, that is exactly what needs to happen.
They need to talk.
They need to vent.
You need to listen (this includes me. I’m a terrible at not talking.)
Most of the time when someone starts to share these things with you it is in the very act of talking itself that they find peace and relief. They are probably not looking for, and don’t really need, your thoughts, explanations, and opinions. If we approach the situation and decide we know everything, and then we share it with them, we are going to frustrate them. They just need a place to speak honestly and be safe; without having to worry about what someone else might think. If they want you to share an opinion, give advice, etc. they will ask!
3) Meet Practical Needs: Can you make them a meal? Watch out for their kids? Help with yard work? Give them a ride? When someone is in a crisis, not only is their normal everyday perception of life skewed, but everyday normal activities can fall to the wayside. If you are able, meet some practical needs. If you are not sure what needs to be done, ask, but ask specifically. Don’t ask “hey, can I help with stuff?” rather ask “Hey, can I come by and cut your grass this weekend?” Be specific. If you don’t know them well enough, ask friends and family. But by all means, standing in the gap and meeting practical needs is huge. Removing some of the smaller worries and providing relief from the regular stresses of life can provide someone with more strength to work through their crisis.
4) Help Them Find Help: If it gets to the point where you want to help, but it is obvious that the help they need falls outside of your abilities, help them find the appropriate help. Whether this is medical help, counseling help, or really anything, it is a great service to point them in the right direction. Maybe you know that they need to get the car repaired, but that isn’t something you can do. Help them find someone who can. Maybe once they do choose to talk to you, they begin to ask for advice and you have no idea what to say. Point them to someone who does. One of the worst things you can do is try to help someone in a way that you are unqualified. More often than not, you end up causing more damage. If you see a need, but you can’t help, guide them towards someone who can!
...that there has been tragic death in her family.
…that he and his wife are splitting up.
…that her daughter is really sick and that the doctors aren’t even sure what is going on.
…that he just lost job and doesn’t know what to do now.
…that (insert life-wrecking problem here.)
“If there is anything I can do for you, and I mean anything, please let me know!”
That is a pretty typical response we give to someone when we hear about a tragedy or rough circumstance in their life. You’ve given it. I’ve given it. And honestly, we mean well. We typically are genuinely willing to do anything. We just don’t know what to do. The problems is, when our friends and family members are caught in crisis, their heads are rarely clear enough to tell us what they need. They may not even be sure either. They just want things to be normal again. They want to feel ok again.
So here are some practical guidelines for helping people going through crisis.
1) Treat Them Normal: This is HUGE. They are already quite aware that something big is wrong in their life right now. Their normal life has been shaken. One of the biggest graces you can give them is to let them have some time to feel normal. Go grab that coffee with them like you usually would. When you spend time with them, don’t make it about their crisis. There is no need for your time spent with them to be focused on it. Proceed with life as usual. If they want to talk or vent about the crisis in their life, you can bet your money that they will bring it up when they are good and ready. Until then, keep life to business as usual.
2) Shut Up: Yes, shut up! When they do get to that point where they want to talk or vent it out, that is exactly what needs to happen.
They need to talk.
They need to vent.
You need to listen (this includes me. I’m a terrible at not talking.)
Most of the time when someone starts to share these things with you it is in the very act of talking itself that they find peace and relief. They are probably not looking for, and don’t really need, your thoughts, explanations, and opinions. If we approach the situation and decide we know everything, and then we share it with them, we are going to frustrate them. They just need a place to speak honestly and be safe; without having to worry about what someone else might think. If they want you to share an opinion, give advice, etc. they will ask!
3) Meet Practical Needs: Can you make them a meal? Watch out for their kids? Help with yard work? Give them a ride? When someone is in a crisis, not only is their normal everyday perception of life skewed, but everyday normal activities can fall to the wayside. If you are able, meet some practical needs. If you are not sure what needs to be done, ask, but ask specifically. Don’t ask “hey, can I help with stuff?” rather ask “Hey, can I come by and cut your grass this weekend?” Be specific. If you don’t know them well enough, ask friends and family. But by all means, standing in the gap and meeting practical needs is huge. Removing some of the smaller worries and providing relief from the regular stresses of life can provide someone with more strength to work through their crisis.
4) Help Them Find Help: If it gets to the point where you want to help, but it is obvious that the help they need falls outside of your abilities, help them find the appropriate help. Whether this is medical help, counseling help, or really anything, it is a great service to point them in the right direction. Maybe you know that they need to get the car repaired, but that isn’t something you can do. Help them find someone who can. Maybe once they do choose to talk to you, they begin to ask for advice and you have no idea what to say. Point them to someone who does. One of the worst things you can do is try to help someone in a way that you are unqualified. More often than not, you end up causing more damage. If you see a need, but you can’t help, guide them towards someone who can!
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